My friend, Colleen, over at The Chatter Blog (link above) just posted something that made me feel really anxious. Everyone that follows my site knows that I rarely do personal posts. I think after reading what she wrote I gained an insight into why. I’m afraid to. That’s the truth. Below in italics is my comment from her post at her site FYI. I’m writing this one for me, to help me stretch into some courage and face my fear. What am I afraid of? What you will think, what you will do with that thought, and how that energy will impact on my body, my life. Why am I afraid of that personally? That I don’t know. Not really. I could attach a lot of story to it about my upbringing and beliefs but really I just don’t know. It’s not always with me. But, today after reading Colleen’s post it came forth, full on, and is gripping my gut.
Boy did this one stir anxiety in me because I thought of so many things I’d love to say and then my insides came to a halting screeching “don’t say that!” I am afraid to say some things or to put things out there even loving kind things because of feedback I’ve gotten in the past or no feedback and then the vacuum, the void screams out to me “you idiot why didn’t you just keep quiet.” All this when I’m originating something because it makes me feel self conscious. For the most part, I don’t mind being asked things and am comfortable opening and being honest but we kill because we are different, we go to gas chambers for it or hang with a rope around our necks on trees, we bully because of it and that also takes lives; words are not so innocent and once it’s out there you can never take them back. There is no word that comes without an energy, a physiology. Candace Pert, wrote about the molecules of emotion (up for a Nobel Prize). For me, this is what speaks to all of this. A thought inside our head, that silent voice, once out there can be very dangerous. Is there really enough love around to embrace the differences? (BTW: I worked with a person, in the closet, so fearful of coming out, still today, because of this very issue. This was one of the inspirations for my writing my book and also placing it in history for the security and safety of this lovely wonderful human being). Thank you, Colleen. Paulette