Asexual woman, 35, on how she never has, and never will, have sex
- Julie Sondra Decker from Florida, started describing herself as ‘nonsexual’ at the age of 15
- The blonde says that she’s had more offers of sex than she ‘wants to count’
- But, ‘without the feelings that usually go with that sort of thing, it’s kind of gross’
A 35-year-old woman has told how she has never felt sexually attracted to men or women.
Julie Sondra Decker from Tampa, Florida, revealed to MailOnline that she started describing herself as ‘nonsexual’ at the age of 15 and when she became aware of the term ‘asexual’, she changed it.
The outgoing blonde says that she’s had more offers of sex than she ‘wants to count’ over the years but, ‘without the feelings that usually go with that sort of thing, it’s kind of gross.’
Happy being single: Julie Sondra Decker, from Tampa, Florida, revealed to MailOnline that she started describing herself as ‘asexual’ at the age of 15 and has never been attracted to men or women
The writer, who lives alone in a two-bedroom apartment, states that she is not interested in dating or pursuing a domestic partner.
‘I have very close friendships but don’t want a significant other. I don’t want to find another asexual to be roommates with.
‘As far as I can tell I’ll be happy being single my whole life.’
In a YouTube video, Miss Decker says that as a young teenager she kissed and cuddled both boys and girls.
‘We are perceived as not being fully human because sexual relationships are seen as something alive people do’
But she concluded: ‘I never found anything that floated my boat.’
She says that her family were convinced that she was a ‘closet lesbian’.
Before she went to college her mother even took her to the doctors because she wasn’t expressing ‘normal’ interest in the opposite sex.
Given the all-clear she carried on with her studies, graduating from the University of Florida in 2000 with a degree in elementary education and psychology.
She said despite there being more awareness about asexuality today, it still remains largely misunderstood.
She’s had male friends try and ‘fix’ her by kissing her against her will and many insist that she will ‘wake up one day’.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE ASEXUAL?
An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction.
Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.
Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people.
There is considerable diversity among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently.
Asexuality is just beginning to be the subject of scientific research.
Since opening up about being asexual on the internet, via YouTube and her blog, Miss Decker says that she’s received death threats and been told by several commentators that she just needs a ‘good raping.’
‘When people hear that you’re asexual, some take that as a challenge,’ she told the Huffington Post.
‘We are perceived as not being fully human because sexual attraction and sexual relationships are seen as something alive, healthy people do.
‘They think that you really want sex but just don’t know it yet. For people who perform corrective rape, they believe that they’re just waking us up and that we’ll thank them for it later.’
Miss Decker says that asexuality presents itself in many forms. Some people, while lacking sexual attraction to any gender, may engage in purely romantic relationships.
However, she defines herself as ‘aromantic’, meaning she does not have any romantic feelings either.
Professor Bogaert, an associate professor at Brock University in Ontario, Canada, suggests in his book Understanding Asexuality, that around one per cent of the world’s population – 70million people – are ‘asexual.
He believes that this demographic are ‘under-studied’ and that they can feel excluded from our ‘very sexualised culture’.
Experts say a certain number of asexuals may have always existed but are only now starting to ‘come out’ as society becomes more liberal.
To her ‘haters’, Miss Decker concludes: ‘I’m not damaged, lonely or in need of a conversion because I’m not interested [in sex].’
She hopes to raise awareness about asexuality through her writing and public speaking.
‘[I want] people who feel similarly to know they’re not alone.’
She’s hurting no one. Leave her alone! Powerful article.
Agree. It was sent to me via e-mail by a good blogger friend. It really points up how hatred can rear it’s intolerant head over these hot topics. Wonder how many others are in the closet because of being “different” than the norm?
I agree with you!
I applaud you for presenting this in this manner. “Need a good raping,” ; there is a chauvinistic desire by men to take charge of correcting the females who stray from their normal image of female behavior. I was raped and sodomized by a man who felt all nudist women just wanted sex. He was a transient and was asked by the owner of the nudist resort and my cousin, to leave the resort. When I reported it to BOTH the police and my male physician, they BOTH said that I was asking for it by being nude in a place where people were drinking. When a woman says, no. She means, no. I respect her position. It is really no different from the gay that KNOW they are gay before they ever have any sex at all. It is innate. And it should be respected.
How incredibly magnificently brave you are to speak about this here. Your words pained me deeply but I am equally grateful for your sharing, putting another face to hatred and criminal behavior. I hope that your trauma has been worked through and that it hasn’t damaged your faith in doctors or law enforcement. I do women’s health as a profession and prior to that worked in the second busiest ER in Los Angeles county. I did the sexual assault exams, among other functions. I’m familiar with the after effects of the trauma in women. My heart is with you. Paulette
It prompted me to get S.A.N.E. certified, and I know many others who have been helped by that action. The rape itself didn’t affect me in an untoward manner. I am an open minded person when it comes to sexuality. It was the aversion to the man for forcing himself, and the reaction of the male physician and the police that turned my stomach and made me angry, even my cousin, saying it was something that could have happened anywhere, and he really did not want it reported because he didn’t NEED the publicity. Even though I was more than willing to be open about it. There was a lot of cover up and an an unwillingness to prosecute or take any action against the perpetrator. There seemed to be, even by my physician, a lot of, “YOU deserved it.” and that was degrading. I won’t have anything but female doctors now, and they have been wonderful.
Bless your heart for putting this to use in helping others with your S.A.N.E. Certification (for others reading this: it’s Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner that you find in ER’s, forensic settings, etc.). And, I’m very glad to hear you have a wonder female physician.
Very grateful for our connection here.
I don’t understand how someone can feel so angry about something that is harming no one, and doesn’t affect them directly, that they make threats. What are they so afraid of?
That’s a really good question, Clowie. I’ve often wondered if fear is a root of hatred. Very complex issue for my simple understanding.
Is nothing sacred or private anymore? Who cares? Everyone should be allowed to lead his or her life the way they want so long as no-one is hurt (on purpose) along the way. *shakes head*
Yes, I agree with you, Tess. No buts about it. It’s madness.
You certainly got my attention with THAT title! I am glad that Jen is like that. She wasn’t when she was youhger, but life now is a lot less drama-filled. woo woo woo!
You all are surrounded by love, wisdom, and humor. Who needs anything else? Yeah, that title got my attention also.
Because she is harming no one, what Julie Sondra Decker does, or doesn’t do, behind closed doors is no ones business but hers.
My sentiments as well, Laurie. Thank you!
Wow, interesting story! Powerful indicators of how our societies view sexuality. As she suggests, her being asexual threatens the definition of gender relationships, more so for men who believe it is their duty to correct and school her.
Hello Suzette and thank you for stopping by and entering the conversation. You make an excellent point. Sad that such an innocent thing is a threat to others, who then deem it necessary to hate and hurt.
Please stop by any time. My cyber door’s always open. Paulette
It’s her life She is happy let her life the way she choised.
Exactly. And, she’s not hurting anyone.
different angle of life
very informative one
Yes, my friend. That’s all it is, is different. Not good, nor bad, just different. Thank you for stopping by.
Sensible post,l respect Julie’s philosophy in live but l wonder what her opinion will be in 20 years from now?? Sexuality is not the issue here but to be happy and content with oneself.My sincere regards.jalal
Yes, I agree that the issue is to be happy and content with oneself. And, if in being authentic one is different from the norm and it isn’t hurting anyone, then so what? Thank you as always for your thoughtful communication in this important conversation.
Might be better for the world at large if more people were asexual!!
Less people, less messy emotions, less just about everything!
Maybe I should wish to become asexual instead of wishing for a partner…
I’m sure you’re not alone in these thoughts, Ghia. I wonder how many do feel this way and are in the closet about it. And, to your point on less messy, etc. statistics sure do speak to trouble in partnerships. Us bipeds have some learning to do. Happy weekend to you.
Seems silly that people have to discuss their sexual preferences with ANYONE other than their partners, or discuss NOT having sexual preferences. Why is this a problem for anyone? Good for her for being so comfortable and not just conforming to make others comfortable. (But why AREN’T they comfortable???)
I love that question, Why aren’t they comfortable? Wouldn’t you love to ask them? I sure would, after they were patted down, of course. I’m just saying, I don’t know it’d be an easy conversation. Thank you!
I wonder how many others feel no sexual attraction and worry (and more) that something is wrong with them. There are probably some who are feeling relieved and encouraged to come out now that Julie Sondra Decker has paved the way. Step by step progress to rid intolerance.
I’ve wondered that as well. I agree with you that Julie Sondra Decker has paved the way for others to come out. She’s a great model for authentic strength and not cowering to societal pressure.
Paulette, your blog post and this one on the Freakonomics website coincided in my week. http://freakonomics.com/2013/10/25/why-are-the-japanese-no-longer-interested-in-sex/
I wonder if we are about to witness a new trend. Asexuality.
Thanks for sharing. You obviously have stimulated many people to comment.
Thank you, shirleyhs. I just went and read that article. Very interesting. Thanks for the link. I’ll post one of the paragraphs here and if anyone’s interested in the rest (just one other paragraph click on the above link shirleyhs has posted).
“Japan’s under-40s appear to be losing interest in conventional relationships. Millions aren’t even dating, and increasing numbers can’t be bothered with sex. For their government, “celibacy syndrome” is part of a looming national catastrophe. Japan already has one of the world’s lowest birth rates.”
Shirley: I clicked on your icon to go to your WP site but it doesn’t have anything posted for “home” archives and nothing on the “about”. If you have another active blog site and you’d like to post the link here, I’d love to have a visit.
Paulette, if you click on my photo instead of on my name, you get my complete Gravatar image, which takes you to my website and to four years-worth of blog posts about memoir. I will have to investigate why the name itself does not go there. Hope you find me. I found you because you commented on Carol Bodensteiner’s guest post on my blog.
Yes, thank you, now I remember from Carol Bodensteiner’s guest post. I just went to your site and am now following you on twitter and your facebook page. You have a wonderful illustrious career and fascinating life story. I’m looking forward to more from you. Your book, Blush, ( http://www.shirleyshowalter.com/ ) is on my TBR list.
It’s lovely to connect with you.
Thank you, Paulette!
choices, all about choices…and women DO get to chose…about what to do with their bodies. Nobody’s business but their’s. Period. Good post
You can say that again, Savvy.
Very interesting and so appalling that she gets hate mail.
Yes and yes. Although the hate mail was appalling, sadly it didn’t surprise me.
Great post.I read about asexual in my psych books many moons ago. Haters believe they are 100% correct and that all people must be alike. That is absolute stupidity. We are all born with how the brain is geared for sexual identification. There is no changing the fact. I feel sorry for folks that think they know it all about religion,politics, and sex.
Well said and thank you! Know it alls are closed doors. There’s no relating. Along the lines you mentioned, religion, politics, and sex it becomes dangerous.
What does it matter? People need to mind their own business – this lady should be left alone to live her life the way she wants to, she’s not hurting anyone. I can’t understand people who send threat mail to anyone who is different – is it fear or what? You may be right in saying that fear is the root of hatred.
We live in a strange world. Live and let live, I say.
That’s the question, isn’t it, Barb, what does it matter? Someone here commented that fear is at the root of hatred. That could be, but I’m with you, not sure, it’s too complex for me to fully understand. I don’t think anyone really has their hand on this pulse. The flawed in the human condition (those that want to hurt/bring harm to another) is a real tough nut to crack. Wish it were different.
Now I’ve heard it all! This is the epitome of human stupidity, advocating rape?!
Believe it or not, it was a treatment for being a lesbian back at the turn of the twentieth century, by psychiatrists and their flunkies. If a woman admitted to being a lesbian she was labelled insane and rape was an acceptable treatment. Some archaic ideology still lives among us. Where there is someone who is different than the norm (or someone’s small threatened ego), people like Julie Sondra Decker will be hatred and abused.
That simply beggars belief. Sometimes I despair for the human race.
Yes, but then we meet people like you, and so many or our other wonderful kind hearted cyber friends all around the world and faith is restored. I feel there’s far more good, decency, than the aberration. It’s just unfortunate that the deranged is played up in the news. Hugs to you!
You’re right, the good do outnumber the mean. When I despair, I’ll just think of you and smile. 😀
🙂 🙂 🙂
I wonder why heterosexuality isn’t worthy of a news story or two?
Interesting question. Who’d write it? 😉
Another interesting question. My niece (16) came to my home and, with her mom (my sister), told me that she was gay. My niece said she wanted me to hear it from her and to explain why.
I lovingly listened, seeing how awkward it was for her, and told her that I loved her for her, no matter what. Then I said that a person’s sexuality, in an ideal world, really isn’t anyone’s business but their own. I made her laugh when I said that I never explained to anyone that I was heterosexual and why I felt I was that way. She said she never thought about it like that before and felt a whole lot better.
That’s wonderful. I love it. Love that you shared this. Priceless! Thank you. ❤
The title is so destressing. I have never heard of her. A part of me feels so sad for her. Not cause she can’t have sex. But to never know all of the love one can have if with that right person. But she seems happy and that is important.
The title is very distressing. It was sent to me by a good cyber friend because of an interview I did. It speaks to another type of intolerance.
I respect what you wrote about “the right person” but to many love manifests in different ways, just as joyful, just as fulfilling, equally intimate: a priest in love with Christ, a monk in bliss from realizing the self, two intimate non-sexual humans sharing a deep love, etc. even a person with their pet, with nature, the ecstasy of living in the moment with a full complete loving heart that is lit up from within, all different manifestations (other than the intimate sexual love of a man and woman) but who is to say any less satisfying or complete?
Thank you, as always for sharing here. It’s always welcome and appreciated.
Hi Paulette. Interesting! Nothing wrong with that each to their own. Thank you for liking ‘ A Windy Morn!’ Best Wishes. The Foureyed Poet
My pleasure, and agree to each his own providing no harm/hurt is inflicted on another in that process. Appreciate your stopping by.
Hey, if she doesn’t feel it, she doesn’t feel it. I think it’s way out of order for people to be saying she needs to be raped. And it’s out of order for men to kiss her against her will…these people are not her friends. She’s asexual, not asocial!
Thank you, Kev. Very well said. Who’s she hurting anyway? Sure do appreciate your stopping by.
Paulette, I have read and reread this article (story) a half dozen times, and being honest I can hardly get by the title before I become so pissed I have to stop and gather myself. Then I read the article again, and I go, “why is this even an issue” leave the lady alone, let her live the life she wants, and protect her from idoits that think screwing her would solve all her problems. She doesn’t have any problems. she has looked a life, and said I don’t need this part. That is her choice 1st and foremost. The only one getting her is her, for being honest, and that should never be the case. Yes I realize that honety has gotten more good people in trouble than lying. I just wish it wasn’t so. Thank you for sharing this article. Sorry it took so long for me to respond. Take care, Bill
Right on my friend. Right on! 🙂
It’s always the same.We must have respect for everyone..also if there is something we didn’t know. or understand
Absolutely. First do no harm is my motto. Thanks, Lou. 🙂
I used to know a man who was asexual. Odd, but his own choice. Good on her for recognising and accepting herself how she is 🙂
I’m with you,butimbeautiful, on commending her for holding to how she is. Thank you! 🙂